Affair Recovery: Signs Your Marriage Could Survive Infidelity

As you read this you might find yourself in the middle of your world being blown apart because of an affair.  Affair recovery might not even feel within reach.

If you have been betrayed by infidelity…you might feel consumed with a whirlwind of painful emotions; grief, sadness, hurt, shock, abandonment, anxiety, depression, anger, and the list could go on.  In fact, it’s so painful that Johnson, et al. (2001), makes the comparison that the emotional pain a victim of an affair experiences is like the attachment injuries an infant would experience if separated from their mother. Like others who have been in your shoes, you might find yourself in moments staring off into the distance feeling stuck, afraid, and like someone has dropped a grenade into everything you once knew to be true and realize that this explosion has the potential to drastically change many areas, if not all areas, of your life.

If you betrayed your spouse…you might feel consumed with an overwhelming amount of shame, knowing the pain you have caused your spouse. In each moment you see the pain in your spouses’ eyes because of the affair, the sickening feeling of shame might grip even tighter. Like others who have been in your shoes, you might be sitting here feeling so far from yourself and who you’ve known yourself to be, maybe even scared of the parts of yourself that you now know are capable of opening the door to such a devastating, life changing choice.  The sense of failure could be crushing. 

Underneath the chaos of the pain of betrayal and the walls thrown up in response, there are still some things held in common between the betrayer and the betrayed; the continued craving, need and longing to be accepted, loved, believed in, held and unconditionally loved. You might be wondering if it’s possible to regain this kind of relationship with your spouse.  

Here are some signs that your marriage has the potential to survive and even thrive after infidelity: 

1. There has been full disclosure of the affair: Rebuilding trust requires disclosure about the affair.  It is oftentimes better if the disclosure happens voluntarily by the betraying spouse.  Research by Marin, Christensen & Atkins (2014) showed that 80% of secret affair couples (meaning the affair was discovered by their spouse) divorced, while 43% of revealed affair couples (meaning the betraying spouse voluntarily disclosed the affair) divorced. In their research they also found that affair couples who stayed married did not show differences in their relationship satisfaction and marital stability from couples who had not experienced an affair in their marriage (Marin, Christensen, & Atkins, 2014).  Disclosure, and especially voluntary disclosure is incredibly important to restoring marital stability after infidelity.

   
   

2. The affair has ended: For a couples’ bond to heal and grow it is essential that the affair has ended.  For some couples, taking steps such as sharing passwords to phones and social media accounts, and being transparent about their location and who they are with helps build trust that the affair has truly ended.  A couple also needs to be clear about what an affair ending, looks like. Especially, for example, if the affair partner was a co-worker of the betraying spouse and they may still see each other. Being willing to make big decisions to give your spouse more confidence that the affair has ended, is incredibly important and can act as a major stepping stone toward rebuilding trust in the marriage.

3. There is a willingness to listen: A willingness to listen and be there for each other in the vulnerability of your pain regarding the affair is incredibly difficult, but important. This does not mean we ignore our hurts and pains, instead it means that as a couple you learn when to give space for your spouse to share their pain and when to invite your spouse into your pain.  This is truly an art and a skill that takes couples time to strengthen, especially after an affair. However, even if the ability to listen well isn't great right now, if there is a willingness to work on being open and receptive to each other then there can be a path towards healing together. 

   
   

4. The betraying spouse can own the pain they’ve caused their spouse: This goes beyond just giving an apology.  Being willing to own the pain caused to your spouse because of the affair means acknowledging, and being able to feel with your spouse the pain that the affair has left them with.  It means being able to understand that an affair isn’t just a mistake or unkind, but that it’s traumatizing.  Being able to step into the pits of pain that an affair has left your spouse with is a way to rebuild trust with your spouse, and, as counter-intuitive as it might feel, begin loosening the grips of shame within yourself.

   
   

5. There is a willingness to forgive: To thrive after an affair, a part of healing involves forgiveness. Forgiveness does not equate that trust is immediately given, it does not mean that you can’t have healthy boundaries within the marriage as you both heal individually and together.  Forgiveness entails the ability to release the other person from your own condemnation that they are, and will forever be, the version of themselves that hurt you the most.  Healthy boundaries, accountability and being able to share your honest hurts and needs, helps support change and instill belief that two people can grow, change, and be more in alignment with the version of themselves that they want to be. Forgiveness doesn’t deny your hurt, pain, healthy boundaries or accountability necessary for rebuilding a healthy marriage. Forgiveness is an active-ongoing choice to release vengeance, resentment and bitterness in order to create more space for healing, love, vulnerability, and the belief in one another that it is possible to change and thrive as an individual and as a couple.  Forgiveness doesn't condemn, instead it gives room for healthy conviction that empowers individuals and couples to thrive.

   
   

6. There is an acceptance that healing won’t be quick: Infidelity is traumatizing. To expect healing and trust to be rebuilt quickly, minimizes and dismisses the pain and damage inflicted by the affair. When both people in the marriage are able to accept that healing from the affair will take time, it eases the pressure off of needing to meet a certain timeline, and opens wide the doors towards paths of reconciliation. A helpful perspective to take is that healing from an affair isn't a destination you arrive at and the work is done. Instead it's an ongoing process that needs to be tended to and guarded like a garden. Just like how when you create a garden and it's flourishing doesn't mean you stop tending to it because now it should just stay that way on its own. No you would continue to tend to it, knowing that if you don't, your garden at some point would cease to exist. A marriage healing from infidelity is the same, it's like a garden that will always need tending in order to thrive.

Maybe in your circumstance you see all of these things happening and you feel a sense of encouragement. Maybe on the flip side you read this and you don't see much on this list happening and you are feeling disheartened. I want you to know that even if all these things aren't happening in your circumstance, it doesn't mean your situation is completely hopeless. I would love to be able to help you on your journey of discerning next steps towards healing after infidelity. Feel free to contact me by phone (860-791-4688), by email (elizabeth@plumeriacounseling.hush.com), or by booking a free 15 minute consultation. 

References

Johnson, S. M., Makinen, J. A., & Millikin, J. W. (2001). Attachment injuries in couple relationships: A new perspective on impasses in couples therapy. Journal of marital and family therapy, 27(2), 145-155.

Marín, R. A., Christensen, A., & Atkins, D. C. (2014). Infidelity and behavioral couple therapy: Relationship outcomes over 5 years following therapy. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 3(1), 1–12. https://doi.org/10.1037/cfp0000012