How Do We Stop Having The Same Fight Over and Over Again? Communication Issues in a Marriage

You may be reading this feeling frustrated, discouraged, and just down right disheartened because it keeps happening again, and again, and again.  Communication issues in a marriage is hard. No matter how the two of you repackage your points, nothing seems to get through to the other side and then here the both of you are fighting…AGAIN.  First, I just want to say that you are not the only relationship to experience this, in fact every relationship has their own negative cycle that they can get stuck in.  This is because no matter who you end up in a relationship with, every human being has historical hurts, wounds and needs that inevitably get touched on the closer you get emotionally to another person, who also has historical hurts, wounds and needs.  Second, I want you to know that it’s possible to have a different relationship with these negative cycles in such a way that the both of you can come out the other side of these moments with a stronger bond and deeper sense of understanding for each other, and why you both do what you do in these moments when the fight happens…yet AGAIN.  Breaking up these negative-repeating cycles takes work and the willingness to take some risks.  Here are a few tips on how to start pressing the pause button on your negative cycle, and start gaining more understanding for each other:

1. Identify your negative cycle: Knowing your moves and patterns in the cycle and WHY you do what you do is so valuable.  What I often share with couples is to practice doing TEMP checks when you notice you are in your negative cycle.  T stands for your trigger; what did you hear or see happening that caused your mind and body to be back in the familiar pain of your negative cycle. E stands for your emotions; what was the initial emotion you felt after the trigger. M stands for meaning; how do you make sense of the trigger you saw from your spouse. P stands for protective move; what do you do next? How do you respond to your spouse?  It is called a protective move, because often what we do and show in our negative cycles are in an effort to protect ourselves emotionally and try to do something to close the gap between you and your spouse as much as you possibly can in that moment.  An example of TEMP could look like this; Judy heard her husband say ‘Do you really need that?’ (TRIGGER), Judy felt initially frustrated, angry, but also really hurt (EMOTION), Judy made sense of her husband’s response as meaning “My needs must not matter to him, I don’t matter to him” (MEANING), Judy responded by snapping “Well you always get what you want” (PROTECTIVE MOVE).  After processing your TEMP the next step is understanding your intentions and your needs behind how you respond and then exploring how your response impacts your spouse (thus starting their side of TEMP).  A helpful question to ask yourself is “If I don’t respond in this way, what am I afraid will happen?” In Judy’s case, maybe she is afraid that if she doesn’t snap back with “Well you always get what you want” that maybe her husband won’t ever see how it bothers her, how hurt she is or that she won’t ever get some kind of reassurance from him that he cares about her and what she needs.  

   
   

2. View your negative cycle as the arch nemesis NOT your spouse: Are you familiar with the phrase from Aristotle, “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts” ?  A couple’s negative cycle represents this phrase well in the sense that when two people’s behaviors stand alone, those behaviors and intentions can mean what they mean, nothing more, nothing less.  However, when you get those same behaviors and intentions colliding into the person who means the most to you, the impact of those behaviors can tell a very different story to your spouse.  So for example, one spouse didn’t do the dishes and the other spouse sighed.  Those two behaviors isolated from each might not impact much, but when those two behaviors are together between two people who matter a heck of a lot to each other, the outcome could result in the dishes not being done means I don’t matter and they don’t care about me, and the sigh could represent to the other that they are not enough, and maybe their spouse is just absolutely done with them. The moment has turned into an absolute threat on the ties of the relationship and putting into question whether you really matter to one another.  In these moments sometimes it can be hard to keep from questioning compatibility and viewing your own spouse as the one who just can’t seem to get it, if they would just change, this cycle would stop. In the process we can villianize our spouse and when this happens on both sides, it is not a great combination as you can imagine and might be experiencing today!  Remember, view the dynamic that is created together as the enemy, NOT each other. Oftentimes a couple’s responses from places of pain and hurt when meshed together can create a greater threatening message towards the status of the relationship than what is truly being felt within them individually towards each other. The cycle is often trying to say “I need you, I don’t want to lose you” but the message we often get from the cycle is more cynical such as “I don’t think I really matter to my spouse anymore."

   
   

3. Be willing to understand your spouse's responses in the cycle: There is often a totally different message trying to be shared behind the curtain of our protective moves in our negative cycles.  Understanding the underlying message is not at all to make excuses for, or to justify the existence of the hurtful behaviors that happen in the negative cycle. Instead it creates a new pathway for having a clearer, more direct conversation about what it is that we need. This can take time, vulnerability, and a lot of trust building to do, but it is possible with a lot of hard work and a willingness to understand your spouse. When you begin to hear more from your spouse about what is happening behind the hurtful moves you see from them, it can be helpful to express compassion and understanding for why they do what they do in those moments, given what you now know about their experience in those moments.  Continuing with Judy’s example from earlier, for Judy, her husband might respond with understanding for Judy’s protective move with, “In moments when I hear you snap at me and blame me, I can see how you are fighting to know that you matter to me, of course you don’t want to feel that way, I don’t want you to feel left by me like that either. It makes sense that you would want out of that pain in the most immediate way you know how to do in those moments when I question you.” The common fear in showing this kind of understanding is that it will give the other person excuse to continue hurtful behavior. However, this kind of understanding often soothes a pain point in the other person, therefore minimizing the need to respond with those hurtful behaviors that were likely done in an effort to sooth the pain they were feeling. However, in situations of abuse this process looks different. Stay tuned for a later blog post where I will address navigating negative cycles where abusive behavior has existed.

   
   

4. Remember the purpose of a negative cycle: In relationships, most of the time, negative cycles are a protest to the disconnection felt between two people.  It is an effort to repair the bond.  Many times we are responding from a place of fight-flight-freeze because the risk of losing connection with someone who means the most to us is incredibly threatening to us humans who are wired for connection. Responding from this posture often leads us to unintentionally pushing one another away. Next time one of your repeated negative cycles occurs try to keep on the forefront that often the cycle is an effort to create repair.  Something to ask yourself that may help you begin communicating more clearly with your spouse is, “What pain point or fear am I trying to get my spouse to soothe at this moment? With the way I am communicating, would my spouse be able to easily know that, that is what I am reaching for right now?”  This is hard work, but understanding that often the cycle is there in an effort to repair, can give a perspective shift to start trying to talk in new ways. 

   
   

5. Be willing to call out your cycle: A goal that can be helpful for some, is once a couple is aware of the patterns of their negative cycle, is to work on calling it out earlier and earlier and earlier.  Some couples find it helpful having a code word or phrase for their cycle and this can be their ‘speed bump’ in the road for their cycle and their cue to take a break, do their TEMP checks and revisit the conversation when they feel ready to. The more you can label the cycle happening, the more a couple is able to label the cycle as the problem and not each other. 

Let's not sugar coat the amount of work it can be to get out of these stuck moments. In a world of efficiency, it can feel incredibly frustrating with the amount of time it can take repairing relationships; one of the least efficient processes. If it were easy no one would be struggling in these areas. What makes it so hard is that oftentimes to truly speak in a clear way that our spouse can hear, means we have to encounter our own fears and painful emotions or wounds that we may actively avoid as individuals. So to invite someone else into witnessing those ouchy spots within ourselves too, is no easy feet! 

I hope these tips give you a helpful starting point in making efforts towards getting out of those repeated fights and understanding them differently.  However, many times the work towards getting out of these repeated patterns is so much more complex than just following five tips on our own.  Just like if someone is wanting to become a gymnast, there is only so far they could get without hurting themselves by reading about what they should do.  Eventually they will need a coach, someone who can help them gain the skills, because otherwise they would probably seriously hurt themselves in the process.  It can be helpful to think of a marriage therapist in this way. Marriage counselors help create the safety and structure necessary to start stepping into new conversations that would be difficult for a couple to do on their own without getting seriously emotionally wounded again.  Just like how a gymnastic coach will create the safety and structure to help their student take risks to safely build their endurance and muscle to be able to do some really cool flips later on, so a couple’s therapist creates the space for a couple to safely grow in confidence, take risks and build trust as they work toward being able to confidently communicate and connect in a deeper way they have not done before.    

I hope this gives some new ways to view and interact with the repeated negative cycle you keep finding yourselves in.  If you need help loosening the knot of your negative cycle, I would be more than happy to help you both on your journey towards freedom together. Feel free to contact me by phone (860-791-4688), by email (elizabeth@plumeriacounseling.hush.com), or by booking a free 15 minute consultation.