How Do I Transition from a Marital Relationship to a Co-Parenting Relationship after Divorce? Co parenting after divorce.

You’ve gotten a divorce and there are children involved. Sometimes the thought of divorce is that it will provide you with a complete separation from your ex and that you won’t have to engage with them anymore.  However, when kids are in the picture, your relationship with your ex after divorce does not simply end.  Instead it transitions from a marital relationship to a co-parenting relationship. This transition can be difficult, especially since there were clearly differences in the marriage that could not be resolved that led to a divorce. However, now you will have to work together and communicate well-enough to give your kids the best-outcomes as they also cope with a huge transition that they did not make.  Here are some tips to help you as you transition with your ex into a healthy co-parenting relationship. The tips provided in this article are with the assumption that you are both able, or willing to learn how to have healthy conversation together regarding your kids post-divorce.  

1. Set conversational boundaries: Decide for yourself what information about you personally (not related with the kids) you do not want to discuss with your ex and what personal information about your ex you do not want them to share with you.  If you two are able to amicably discuss this, this will provide clear expectations about what conversations between the two of you look like during times of overlap with the kids. 

1. Recognize what is within your control and what is not: This can be one of the hardest transitions from the marital relationship to a co-parenting relationship; recognizing what you can or can’t control regarding how your ex lives and what they decide to do during their time with the kids. Because of the divorce, you no longer have the same kind of influence or ability to expect certain things from your ex that would have been appropriate expectations during the marital relationship. Making a list for yourself and asking if your expectation seems more like a marital expectation is a good place to start when discovering if your expectations and involvements with your ex are appropriate or not. 

1. Set regular, predictable check-in times with your co-parent: Having predictability for when co-parenting conversations happen can help create more separation from each other personally, while also being able to remain on track with how the parental duties are being tackled by the two of you. This can help support the both of you starting your own personal lives while also creating a strong co-parenting relationship.  Counseling can also be a helpful resource in creating regular check-ins for co-parents if co-parents feel they would like to have a third party be a part of these discussions to create more productivity in these check-ins.  

1. Look for opportunities to support your co-parent’s relationship with the kids: Your kids are only going to benefit from your ability to speak supportively about their parent and your ability to support your co-parents disciplinary decisions (assuming they are disciplinary decisions the both of you agree to and are appropriate and healthy for the kids).  If you do not agree with your co-parent, it is best to save the disagreement for a conversation with your ex instead of involving your kids in what you disagree with. This may leave the kids feeling pitted against their parents, or like they need to side with one parent over another.      

1. Give yourself space to grieve the loss of your marital relationship:  Seek out personal counseling if needed to give you a space to grieve the personal loss of the marital relationship. This can give you an outlet to process the personal pain you are experiencing that would not be appropriate to lean on your kids for support for. You need to be there as an emotional support for your kids as they move through this transition. Giving yourself space to grieve and process your own reactions through this transition will help you be able to be a source of support for your kids as they process their grief as well. 

Co-parenting well after a divorce is so important for the well-being of the children, since after all, they had no control or say in the decision for a divorce to happen, but they still have to experience the transitions and outcomes of divorce regardless.  Furthermore, as you begin to create a strong co-parenting relationship, not only do you help give your kids the best outcomes, but this can also help your own mental health and levels of stress as you gain closure for what was once a marital relationship. This can also model hope for your children that it is possible to thrive and heal well after a painful season of life. 

If in your situation your co-parent is not amicable, be on the lookout for my next blog post where I will address what to do when your ex is uncooperative in the co-parenting relationship.

I hope this gives some manageable steps towards building a good foundation as you and your ex transition into a co-parenting relationship together.  If you need help walking through your current circumstances as co-parents or as an individual, I would be more than happy to help you on your journey towards healing. Feel free to contact me by phone (860-791-4688), by email (elizabeth@plumeriacounseling.hush.com), or by booking a FREE 15 minute consultation to see if we would be a good fit.