Love Your Child More Than You Hate Your Ex | Guest Blog

Written By

Attorney Renee C. Bauer of Happy Even After Family Law

I woke up groggy. My head was slightly achy and the balls of my feet throbbed from wearing high heels for over 10 hours. I touched my hair and felt a knot that had set in from too much hairspray and my eyes felt heavy from eye make-up that was not completely removed last night. Then I smiled. Last night was an unforgettable night. I couldn’t wait to see the photos that would trickle in today from guests.

It was not the morning after my wedding. Not even close. Rather, it was the morning after my son’s bar mitzvah. I am not Jewish but his dad, my ex-husband is. My current husband raised my 3 step-kids with no religion. My Ex-husband’s wife grew up in a mixed religion household. Are you keeping up?

At the service, my son had 8 grandparents and 32 relatives there. We took up the entire first 2 rows spilling into the 3rd row too. It didn’t matter that we were redefined, reconfigured and redesigned. Family is family.

The morning after, my ex-husband and I texted in the morning to confirm it was an incredible night. Everyone had fun and we both gloated about how proud we were of our son. He said he thought we did a good job raising him. I agreed.

Things with my ex-husband were not always perfect but one thing remained constant; we loved our son more than we ever disliked or even resented each other.

I’m a divorce lawyer so I witness what happens to children whose parents can’t look past their own issues every day. The fallout is behavioral problems, increased use of alcohol or drugs, sexual promiscuity, anxiety and depression. It is not always easy to co-parent and it certainly takes two parents to do it the right way. The following is a good starting place:

Communication is everything:

Communication includes not just the big things but also the small stuff. Share photos of your child with the other parent. Let them know when your child stays home from school sick. Discuss rules so they are consistent in both homes. Communicate about what you are buying for birthday and other holiday gifts. Use a shared calendar for all appointments and activities. Your child should never be the one to transport information from one parent to another. Once you create a habit of communication, it gets easier and your child will not be able to manipulate either parent for their benefit (you will appreciate this most when they are a teenager).

Bite your tongue:

Resist the urge to disparage the other parent in front of your child. While it might make you feel vindicated in the moment, it is hurtful for your child to hear spiteful words about the other most important person in their life. Instead, speaking positively about your child’s other parent encourages your child to have a positive and meaningful relationship with both parents.

Treat your ex like a business partner:

The job of raising your child is the most important business venture you will ever embark on. You do not need to schedule Sunday family dinners together but if you treat your interactions as you would a professional business communication, then you can co-parent respectfully and with civility. When you find yourself instilling emotion into your interactions, take a step back before you hit send on that text. You would not yell at your boss and send them an emoji of your middle finger so do not do that to your ex either.

Don’t sweat the small stuff:

Remember that your goal is to raise a well-adjusted child who is able to have healthy relationships so whether or not they were returned to you with the same sweatshirt they left with or that your ex was ten minutes late for a drop off, it does not fit into the end game. Your child should not feel anxious about a reaction the other parent will have to something.

It is not the divorce that impacts children as much as it is the divisiveness between parents. If you can attend a soccer game and sit together or eventually your child’s wedding and not have to be seated on opposite sides of the room, then you have given your child an invaluable gift. Co-parenting is hard work especially because your relationship broke down for a reason but your child is worth the effort.

Attorney Renee C. Bauer is Principal and Founder of the Happy Even After Family Law located in Hamden, South Norwalk and Glastonbury. She is an attorney, author, peacemaker, and host of the She Who Wins podcast. She authored Percy’s Imperfectly Perfect Family (Archway Publishing), a children’s book about divorce and Divorce in Connecticut (Addicus Books) both of which can be found on Amazon.

If you find yourself needing legal assistance from experienced and compassionate lawyers, feel free to visit the website of Happy Even After Family Law at https://www.familylawyerct.com/.

If you need divorce counseling to help you decide whether divorce is the appropriate next step for your marriage feel free to contact Plumeria Counseling PLLC, we would love to help you!