My Spouse Wants Me to be More Vulnerable, Why is this So Important to Them? // Emotional Connection in Marriage

Maybe you have been hearing your spouse asking you to be more vulnerable…more emotional connection in the marriage and that ask can sometimes feel confusing and incredibly vague.  You might wonder, why is it so important to my spouse? Isn’t having fun, living well together, being helpful to each other, listening and being generally on the same page in life enough? How can talking about the ‘bad-scary’ stuff help at all…won’t that just make things worse? Keep reading as we take a little dive into why vulnerability is so important.  

Let’s start with an example, and if you are a dog lover, this will hopefully catch your fancy.  Imagine petting a dog that is rolling on its back, entirely relaxed and just enjoying your affection. Awww these moments are so sweet aren’t they…you know in these moments that this dog trusts you and loves you, because for a dog to be on its back, belly up, is a position that leaves it most susceptible to attack and danger.  So when a dog rolls around free of fear, enjoying your love, it is such a compliment that they feel safe to be their freest receiving affection from you even though it means they are the most susceptible to danger.  Now think about a dog where you try to pet them and love them and they are tense, rigid, and the look on their face says ‘leave me alone.’ You would probably get the vibe that a dog like this doesn’t feel connected with you, and doesn’t have a lot of trust in you.  You probably wouldn’t feel as connected to this dog as the dog rolling around for your affections. 

So why am I bringing dogs into this? To make the point that we often feel more connected with those who let us into the parts of their lives where it requires them to have a sense of trust and safety with you in order for them to even let you in. What makes it special, is that because there needs to be trust first, these unique places where you really get to see the fullness of this person, are not seen by everyone. These places are only seen by those who have been selectively chosen and deemed as trustworthy of entering these very personal places. When safety and connection are experienced in these personal places, that when revealed poses the possible risk of leaving that person susceptible to emotional danger, both people may often end up feeling like the free and happy dog that is able to relax, take in affection and be themselves to the fullest. So with this said…still WHY is it so important? 

1. Vulnerability is so important because it feels good to trust and be trusted: Just like a dog rolling over to get its belly scratched, while it requires the dog to make itself susceptible to danger, the dog enjoys it and takes the risk because in the end it feels good to trust and receive affection.  For the human giving the pets, it feels good to be trusted by such a furry friend.  As humans, we are wired for connection. To be seen and known by someone else in the places we keep away from others the most feels good and is connecting. It feels good because there is rest and freedom found in being able to trust and be trusted. 

2. Vulnerability is important because it shows your spouse they are preferred by you: Being equally vulnerable sends the message that you are both ESPECIALLY important to each other to be let into each other’s lives in this way that not many others get to be entrusted with. 

3. Vulnerability is important because it provides accountability: Being vulnerable not only gives you both opportunities to know how to deeply support each other and build trust, but it also provides accountability in the marriage. It can act as a binding in the marriage because it not only builds trust, but also accountability for our own personal struggles that if left hidden under the ‘carpet,’ may snowball over time and erode the marital relationship. Without the existence of shared vulnerability in a marriage, accountability is not possible. 

One question I will leave you with is this:  Are the things you tell your spouse (outside of the sexual relationship) what you could also share with an acquaintance or friend? If the answer is yes, then what you tell your spouse probably isn’t really vulnerable information since anyone can have access to it. It may be beneficial to spend some personal time to get to know and identify your own personal pain points, fears or struggles in a deeper way so that you can share this vulnerable information with your spouse.  It can be hard work, but it’s incredibly empowering and healing not just for you, but for the relationship and your spouse. 

Stay tuned for future blogs addressing more about how to be vulnerable and knowing when it’s safe to be vulnerable in a relationship and when it's not. I hope this gives some understanding into why vulnerability is important and why your spouse may be craving more vulnerability from you. If you need help stepping into vulnerability with each other in your marriage or relationship, I would be happy to journey through this with you both. Feel free to contact me by phone (860-791-4688), by email (elizabeth@plumeriacounseling.hush.com), or by booking a FREE 15 minute consultation to see if we would be a good fit.