Why Don't My Apologies Work? Repairing Broken Relationships

Here it is again…you see your spouse or partner hurting…and worse, it’s because of something you did.  In these moments the guilt and shame may be amplifying for you, maybe you start to shut down because you feel stuck like there is nothing else you can do to remedy this.  You might even feel frustrated, angry that your spouse or partner can’t just seem to receive your apology. What you say doesn’t seem to matter to them. You hate to see your spouse or partner hurting yet again, but none of your apologetic efforts seem to work.  Repairing broken relationships requires apologies, but why aren't they working like you feel like they should? Here are a few reasons why your apologies might not be working:

1. Is your apology instrumental or sincere? Yamamoto, Kimoto, and Osaka (2021) talk about instrumental and sincere apologies. Instrumental apologies are made to achieve a goal, often to avoid punishment and being rejected by peers. It often avoids feeling remorse and accepting responsibility.  An instrumental apology can send an underlying message that there is an expected ‘transaction’; I’m apologizing, now you need to be happy with me in return. Sincere apologies however, involve a recognition of your fault and genuine remorse.  If you find yourself apologizing to avoid the pain, heal faster, and just to ‘get past it all,’ you are probably doing an instrumental apology. This will often leave your spouse or partner feeling dismissed and not seen or heard.  This can absolutely render your apologetic efforts ineffective. 

   
   

2. Do you respond from your shame or your guilt? In the show ‘Presumed Innocent’ there is an episode where Raymond tells Rusty “Shame is something that you put on yourself. It’s self-absorbed. Self-centered. Guilt is more about owning and feeling the pain that you cause others.”  This may feel like a hard message regarding the impact of shame, but the message behind this is helpful in understanding what shame and guilt can lead us to do.  While guilt can help us hear our spouses’ pain by feeling with them the hurt they feel, shame can have the tendency to turn the focus back on ourselves and how we feel negatively towards ourselves and what we’ve done.  While you might feel like you are conveying how horrible you feel about what you’ve done, by highlighting how negatively you see yourself or how you think your spouse sees you, this can actually continue to leave your spouse or partner feeling alone and unseen in their pain. Also, the expression of shame within efforts to apologize can end up turning the tables to where your spouse feels like they have to take care of your feelings, in a moment when they need you to take care of them. When your spouse starts talking about their hurt and you find yourself talking about how negatively you see yourself or how you think they see you, then you are likely speaking from shame rather than guilt, thus leaving your spouse feeling unseen, unsupported and your apology ineffective. 

   
   

3. Do you rush to apologize? Couples can be incredibly attune to each other’s pain, to a point where sometimes couples may unintentionally cut each other off as they share in an effort to show their spouse that 'I understand you.’ However, in an attempt to be attune, jumping in and apologizing too quickly can leave your spouse feeling like you don’t want to hear them out fully or don’t want to give them the space to process their hurt with you. If you find yourself rushing the process and jumping in quickly in the conversations to apologize, this may be leaving your apologies ineffective, because your spouse again may be feeling unseen and like their hurt is a problem to you that needs to go away. 

The common thread across these reasons is that each one of them can leave someone feeling like they are alone, unseen, dismissed and unknown in their hurt. Experiencing that from the one who initially hurt you can feel incredibly painful and unfair, thus making the apologies possibly more hurtful than healing. Apologies are meant to draw two people closer to each other, however, if in the implementation you notice your spouse or partner is feeling dismissed, unheard, and like their hurt is a problem to talk about with you, then it is time to re-evaluate how you are apologizing and why you are apologizing.  The ability to be patient with your spouse, not rush them out of their pain, and experience the hurt with them are all incredibly important in helping your apologies hit home with your spouse or partner.  Feel free to check out my previous blog post addressing ways to improve communication in those arguments or disconnections that seem to be playing on repeat. 

It can be so discouraging when all you are wanting to do is let your spouse or partner know how much you care about them, just to have all your efforts seem to have no positive impact on the person who matters most to you. You don’t have to walk this out alone. I would be more than happy to help. Feel free to contact me by phone (860-791-4688), by email (elizabeth@plumeriacounseling.hush.com), or by booking a FREE 15 minute consultation. 

References

Yamamoto K, Kimura M, Osaka M. Sorry, Not Sorry: Effects of Different Types of Apologies and Self-Monitoring on Non-verbal Behaviors. Front Psychol. 2021 Aug 26;12:689615. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2021.689615. PMID: 34512447; PMCID: PMC8428520.